You have slipped into being neutral around her, rather than being masculine and making her feel girly in your presence Inside, you may feel very masculine or confident, but she's not going to feel any desire to be affectionate if you don't use your masculinity to make her feel feminine (rather than neutral) in comparison to you. At this stage, you may be right about getting help. I heard my uncles talk about sex like it was something from their youth that has long gone. What to do about it: Make sure your wife knows you see her as a sexy beingcompliment her often, give her simmering kisses and affectionate touch, and do these things without tying the gestures to requests for sex. My husband will not have sex with me anymore. I offered my husband a quick and easy as possible divorce. She has no interest in any positions other than missionary even though I love other positions. I would be gone before dark! I still plan/need to continue working in a high tech job many hours a week, with excellent insurance, which is fortunate, and there is no way she can drive or work for several decades now. To answer your question from my 69-year old, male POV: If theres no intimacy in your marriage from your wife and youve realized that she may be suffering through mental health issues, Bonobologys panel of experienced therapists can help guide your partner through this turbulent time, and perhaps re-establish the harmonious relationship you yearn for. How is she even going to want to have a relationship?. You were something new, mysterious, independently confident, self-respecting, self-motivated and unpredictable. Best of luck to you! Ive lived through a sexless marriage myself. We have done counseling and it always comes back to my issues which I work on but have never seen any change from her. The last time I had sex was in 1997. Bitter? My wife and I have been in couples therapy now for about 3 years, and while it has helped our relationship a lot, nothing going on sexually. After having our first child, my wife wasnt thinking about sex at all. He is a selfish person he is only thinking of himself. She isnt enthusiastic about that idea. I dont know if thats whats happening for her, and of course the only way to know is to ask her. Why do you think Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt got divorced?? I am 60 soon and dread having to try and start again. Drying up was a major problem. My wife has no desire for sex. What can I do? - TODAY.com Go be the cat lady then. Once you cross into the no sex zone there is NO going back. My first wife and I married when we were 21. He is always sitting alone. Dear Joan, Sigh . I dont know why your husband would even want to be intimate with you, you sound like a harpy. If the lack of interest in physical intimacy came on suddenly and caught you unawares, it is possible that your wife is involved with another person. If us men were all so lucky! The two C words! 16 years being married. She may give in from time to time to satisfy her man, but the drive is gone. He (so far) said no. After chemo and radiation, they put her on hormone suppression drugs, which reduced her libido a lot. And perhaps. She may well become that cat lady a previous poster described. Have you ever considered WHY your wife doesnt want to have sex anymore? Im 57 and my husband is 56 years old. Look, we have all pretty much aged our of sexual adventurism but our minds refuse to accept it. and hugs when one of us leaves the house. Is like 5 times a year.! Its worth discussing with your doctor. 330 Comments There is a disconnect, a lack of communication and a lot of arguments. To survive youll need to cheat or else go insane. You bet. Im throwing my partner out the door due to his rants and anger over lack of sex. People get lazy and just expect sex to happen because theyre married. While men often connect to their wives through physical intimacy, a wife needs a mix of physical arousal and emotional intimacy to feel connected to her partner. Now both in our early 60s, she has lost the desire for sex and has pain issues as well. Im 15 years younger than my husband. Many claim that its women who become dis- We dont really argue and enjoy each others company. So, basically youre saying, My needs outweigh your life. I dont care if you die, so long as I get 3 minutes of pleasure.. she tolerates oral sex only minimally due to some sensitivity she can never explain. Get your dose of relationship advice from Bonobology right in your inbox. Even with some ED we can still have a good orgasm..but she wont even touch me.. Im not a bad looking guy, and tend to her needs materially.. but sex is off the table. She has rejected counseling and even criticizes my masterbation or porn. You work, cook, clean, fix, dont drink or do drugs! I understand completely!!!! You should consider a strap on dildo, the size and width are your choice. Plus why would you want to have sex with someone who isnt interested? 13 Subtle Signs Your Wife Is Not Attracted To You Anymore - And 5 Only 50 at wits end, I dont want to start over, but I dont want to go another 10 years like this either, I cant talk to her about it be cause she has tried it didnt work, but no physical contact and her liking other guys attention just makes it unbearable, Between the undesirable side effects of the meds I take for depression and the unfortunate consequences of menopause, my sex drive is just dead, and I neither care nor have any desire whatsoever to revive it. Once the children appeared on the scene I would never have done anything that would risk us splitting up. If youre living with a gut feeling that your wife avoids intimacy on purpose, it may be time to take matters into your hand to rejuvenate your relationship. What to do about it: Remember that it's OK to not want sex with your partner sometimes. Addie,maybe we should trade spouses.lol.im in the same boat you are.i love to get intamate and hug and kiss and cuddle.my wife 0.unreal.she told me the other day she dont even like sex anymore after we had it.how nice to say that.unreal. It will make you horny as hell, however. Medication also he ls good to me but his hobby ls everything to him he jokes around with me we are like room If there's no intimacy in your marriage from your wife and you've realized that she may be suffering through mental health issues, Bonobology's panel of experienced therapists can help guide your partner through this turbulent time, and perhaps re-establish the harmonious relationship you yearn for. While men often connect to their wives through physical intimacy, a wife needs a mix of physical arousal and, Love Hormones Unraveling the Veracity of the Science of Love. Nathan I am in exactly the same position as you. After 8.5 years in my sexless marriage, I almost found the phrase Youve both gone so long without sex together funny, though it is far from that. So, before you start saying things like, My wife never touches me anymore, and misunderstand the problem that youre actually facing, its vital that you try to focus more on why your wife never initiates physical contact. Im in the same boat. Some could be related to body image issues, prior sexual sin, or abuse. I was not going to reward her or fall into another hug with nothing more than a few seconds of holding, and then a push off. Men provide protection, stability, and resources. I dont want and will not ever get a divorce. And Ive been caught too. My problem is my husband is still very much interested. Want to have a happier, healthier marriage? I was disgusted with the thought of my tongue in that region. Yeah, wrinkles and less hair (me), but sex is as good as ever! In my is own skin. Many marriages have been ruin, husband are sad, desperate, when wives started to isolate themselves. So we settle. Bring back date night (without the pressure to have sex), or simply spend more time talking to each other about your inner worlds: your feelings, your fears, your frustrations, your hopes and dreams. When a woman has to live with her in-laws, its a major change from the way she had been living before. he will not give me a divorce so yes take a lover if you need too cause feeling wanted, desired, and loved, is like food we all need it and deserve it! In long-term relationships, sex can be the fastest route for . It got to the point that he wanted sex badly and was about to lose his mind. Nor, is it a reasonable demand that you need (should) accept. Ive tried everything I can think of but Ive given up. Also, I have experienced ageism in the job market. Even if it is difficult, do everything you can to put yourself in her shoes. You're focusing too much on just the sexual aspect of . Make time when you are both relaxed. He has an expectation of honesty and communication, perhaps, but only if he is providing the same for you. I was in a 22-year same sex relationship in which sex dried up after we had been together about 5 years. It isnt. So maybe try treating he how you did when first met. I do, however, feel like absolute shit about the negative impact on my husband who is six years younger than me and who has always had a high (higher than mine, anyway) sex drive. God as our designer and maker knows what is best for us. It also says that we are to make our bodies our patents, not ours. If you guys love your wives and wanna stay till death and your having problems with containment, I lost all desire because I have no testosterone so its been a God send to me. Ive been accepting of her feelings and expectations. Hello David, the you. I lve my wife more now then when we got married. For men the cost is being far more productive than hed need to be if caring only for himself and to forsake all other partners in pairing with his wife exclusively. In the end, she doesnt want it and I have stopped caring. I have tried to keep myself in shape, etc., and he is certainly in fairly good shape too. None of us know how to read, converse or think. Senior Planet Community is our social media platform designed specifically for older adult users. I also think they pretend to be happy. "Does my wife love me?" Here are 32 signs she doesn't As sex therapist Vanessa Marin, LMFT, once told mbg, "There's a two-way relationship between relationship satisfaction and sexual desire.". Whatever your wife is going through that causes you to think, My wife never initiates intimacy, is probably just as worrisome to her as it is to you. Get your answer. Also, look into the idea of responsive desire and make sure you understand it. We do love each other though. Its only going to get worse. I dont mean to downgrade the pain someone feels with this, but there are levels to everything. So my question to the men here. Joan Price is the authorof several books including The Ultimate Guide to Sex After 50 andthe award-winning self-help bookNaked at Our Age.Visit Joans blog, Naked at Our Age and herFacebook page. Since abstinence for so long Im wondering what will happen if a woman takes an interest in a 70-year-old man. If its just drynesswhich is common as women ageas well as using lubricant youll also want to be sure that your wife is aroused, even before any genital touching. My avocation has been fitness for over 50 years and I love the field. I think Im in love and theres no turning back. Just a thought. . We dont have children, and we have tried everything.therapy, books, scheduling sex, talking, crying, toys, porn. We men are not brain dead. Some persons who are older like us end up this way. His needs count too. Even too much Viagra can cause things like blindness. . My hubby is one happy camper. Just arent attracted to him anymore? We all deserve to be held, to be touched, to be told and shown we are desired and needed for far more than cleaning a house, fixing a meal or providing a paycheck. Im considering leaving altogether and realize it will put a financial strain on both of us although we have significant cash equity in our home which can make it much easier in retirement. Or some reasons could be the female body experiencing pain, limitations, hormonal imbalances, etc. I started seeing sex workers. 4. Finally after 40yrs he tries to help and cares more now than at any point all the times before. Dont know what todo he wont talk about his You cant really blame her, can you? She continued to have sex for a while but that eventually ended and we havent had sex now in over 5 years. I cant live another 30 years with him like thus. For the past eight years it has been like I am married to my sister. Whenever equality or egalitarianism gets discussed in the context of marriage, you can be sure this will involve benefits/advantages, whether natural or societal, that men have that ought to be shared equally with women and not benefits/advantages, whether natural or societal, that women have that ought to be shared equally with men. In fact, I dont even feel were friends at this point, as we rarely speak to one another (unless I initiate a conversation) and whenever I try and initiate any affection or even merely suggest sex, he bristles, becomes hostile and defensive and thats that. Spend the same time you are researching and pursuing prostitutesworking out and looking healthier and bettering your relationship. So not. If your wife avoids intimacy, this could be her way of punishing you for something she suspects you of. But from a womans standpoint, we need emotional love BIG TIME before we can go there. 1. You should be glad that your wife is still with you your ass would have been out the door the first time you ever tried to tell me what to do oh and by the way Ive been married 20 years and my husband has NEVER told me what to do we both have great paying jobs and are very independent I have a Daddy and he stopped telling me what to do when I was 17. You either need to leave or stay in it knowing that she is sexless towards you. Ill keep this short, but I could write a short novel. Sex ended, period. Will: I was very disturbed to read your post. Why, in a relationship, is Sex so bloody important? But this woman kept me in her heart and mind for fifty years. Denied the enjoyment, should they be expected to put the same effort into the preparation? One of the scariest reasons your wife wont have sex with you may be that she has feelings or is being intimate with someone else. Again, he has no interest in sex and doesnt even like me seeing him naked say getting out of the shower, or undressing, etc.. And, he remains curled up and turned away from me in bed at night. Sorry Mate. I decided to work the night shift and made it my thing. Does your wife feel seen and heard in the relationship, or is she never in the mood because she usually feels overlooked? I am also in a sexless relationship, same as others in our 50s Im in good shape and shes overweight, out of shape and depressed. Im just sad and trying to figure things out. If your wife doesnt feel confident about her physical appearance, she may have inadvertently shut down your sex life. Now whats so hard about that. I would love to be greeted with a smile, a cuddle a thoughtful touch but nothing. Prostitutes are not a good option since all the bad stuff in the sex industry world and I feel that I am too old to move on and I am not a chick magnet. There are many types of intimacy, and they tend to dovetail. That feeling lasts for several days afterwards. Maybe you are the only one getting pleased and thats not fun. "The typical, goal-oriented 'round-the-bases' approach to sex doesn't inspire, arouse, or satisfy women," relationship coach Bez Stone writes at mbg. In my case our problems are ever deeper in that ours is a Love /Hate relationship. Its the only wu to turn this round. Im 54 and my husband and I enjoy each others company but he does not want to engage in physical affection or intimacy. Sure. oh Pamela, I hear you! But we didnt know what we had. They need not be. Ive been in one for about 47 years and Im the cause of it. Only your wife herself can tell you the exact reason why she's not interested in having sex with you. I would do just about anything to have a willing partner like you! Dont hold it against her. Hello Overit, The subtle ways dates, touching, hoping havent worked and although years have passed, neither of you really understands yet how the other feels. We feel just as frustrated that our actions are not recognized by our women. mine forgot my birthday this year (it is 2 days before his lol) and our wedding anniversary : ( I can not compete with his online game omg he plays 24-7 so I can relate to your problem with your wife choosing the phone over you thats cold. Im 63, sexless for many years, and your essay really hit home. Doing that just causes me to be resentful of her, and the fact that Im now reduced to doing this nasty little juvenile thing for myself. I can easily live without sex, but I cannot live without love. You talk about your wife not being in the mood. Thats an elusive state when were not driven by our hormones. Just as women receive and need emotional connection, men provide a different way of showing their connection to their woman. And its been going that way for years. As I mentioned before, the lack of physical contact can be due to a myriad of reasons.. And I still dont even know why! I have had a suspicious breast biopsy. My ex was 16 years younger then me. And I feel its unfair for me to try to fix something that Im the only one thats putting effort into. Arthritis: No Cure, But Ways to Ease the Pain. She was before marriage. But we dont have sex or make love or anything you want to call it! I have read here about mostly women who do not desire sex, but let me tell you, men not wanting or giving their female partners sex is an unmentionable crisis in our homes. But dont you have a affair, to deal with that sex drive that Im ignoring. I take it religiously, because it helps me in the gym and with mental clarity. But it will quickly fade again once their needs are met. I cant believe I will be in this misery for the remainder of my life and I am only 55. Marriage is a dream or a fantasy. I have no issues with my performance and dont need ED meds. There is just so much fantasizing, flirting and masturbating that I can do. Weve been in counseling for a year. I havent yet but I am going to find sex outside my home. We werent intimate back then, and a quirk of fate brought us together recently. 1. Then it was just plain no, Im not sexually turned in. I am aware of the risks, and am more than willing to live with them, rather than go back to how I was before. Not the husband its always the mom. He is either not attracted to you, depressed, or preoccupied. Ever again. I wonder if it could be depression (something he wouldnt admit to), but its been going on a long time. I havent found a way to replace that feeling of a man. If you love him why cant you help him be happy a few times a week I dont get that part, it is just a little bit of your time and you could set all the rules or boundaries of what you are and are not willing to do. has he? Its a bummer most times. Copyright 2023 Older Adults Technology Services, Inc. All rights reserved. If his wife refuses to explore solutions he will need to tell her the following. And I am one of those. Maybe we should start a group. Did your husband cheat on you after you stop having sex with him? It literally saved my marriage and maybe my life. Loved and desired! His experiences have taught him that being an honest friend who communicates well and giving importance to self-love can go a long way in maintaining loving relationships. Especially if you once had a, One reason your wife never initiates affection may be stress related. aids that i bought. Sometimes I wish he would go. Wills comment is more true than not (and certainly not far from true). Neither partner should have to feel obligated to satisfy the other out of some outmoded quasi religious relief or instruction, my wife is wonderful in many ways but now has reached, she believes, a stage[67] where she has no desire, except release masturbation , thats my misfortune but I try to understand. For women its submitting to the protector of her choosing and bearing only his children. There is a limit to everything and this crosses that line. We tried and tried to get them to call us but their mother has convinced them that I am to blame for our sons death. My wife lost interest in sex years ago. I realized that her life and passion are our girls (which she refers to as her girls). But men also have 12-15 times more testosterone than women far higher sex drives and are capable of siring hundreds of times more children than women are capable of bearing. Be caring. He worked constantly on the mid night shift away from me. Its incredibly painful!!!! I retired early to get Medicare and redusece medical expenses. For the most part, her doctor (A woman) has told her that it was time to give it up. I always thought by the time I retired, I would have both the time and energy to truly connect sexually with my spouse without worrying about kids interrupting, getting up early for work or that sex had to be scheduled. There's nothing wrong with the lower-libido partnerthey simply just don't want sex as often as the other person. Better than NO sex of any sort for 10+ years, and being rediculed for masturbating. Look, not to give your hubby a pass here, but please, understand that most men in our country, we who were raised in the 50s. It is an axiom of mate selection in nature that males display and females choose. . Im 69 and still active. And the sex with my current partner is always strained because she doesnt show any real passion or desire to let go. It's possible that you and your wife simply have different needs when it comes to sex. In particular, most women cannot reach orgasm from penis-in-vagina intercourse alone. She said, YOU WILL LOOK AT OTHER WOMEN?! Start by losing the weight, shaving the body, washing daily, put some effort into youre own self and for Christs sake, clean up after yourself. Be a fuckin man. I only wrote this, to just say it. Then she was diagnosed with scleroderma shortly before I had a kidney transplant. When is the last time you did something romantic for her without expecting sex in return? Open a conversation with your wife about how she's feeling about you and the marriage, big picture, and go from there. Quick and fast is also good. But I have my workshop where I fix cars and my wood shop. I need love that bad to hang on to a partner that never wants sex? I cannot hurt him. Just feel I want to hide away as I know this is not normal . She is just plain not sexually attracted to me. Although she initially helped with my toddlers, she eventually lost interest and helped only occasionally. We are wired so differently. I always talk to her and ask what turns her on. Every study I have ever seen says its over twice as likely for the woman to be the one withholding.