", It's easy for you to get irritated with them, NOW WATCH: Bed bug infestations are only getting worse here's why they're so hard to kill. He married that gf (maybe, already fiance?) It takes skill and practice to get good at that, I believe. I know this may be hard to read, all I can say is that from my own past experience when I was young (you sound quite young but I am making an assumption) when I felt overwhelmed with emotional pain I sometimes acted out from a place of fear, confusion and unwillingness to feel the pain of rejection. He blew hot and cold, he made promises, he cancelled dates all the red flags that Natalie has alerted us to. He deserves a guilty conscience. Hes made a couple of crumby attempts to contact me since he broke up with me and while initially I thought that would make me feel better, it didnt. So Ive given myself time to decompress and feel out the next yeses and nos. I guess it is because I cannot make sense of what happened. Ready you should be celebrating! My friends husband just asked me out! I left the train feeling blessed to have run ok nto him & thinking that I wish I had known him better back in the day. Courtney- thank you so much for your wisdom I know I need to stay out of them soooooo hard. Haley Laferney is the Graphic Designer at Reach Out Recovery and a graduate of Ringling College of Art and Design. I do not think he knows that I know this or that he is married. The irony is that people who dont want you to remember are the most likely to use their own recollection of things to their advantage. Your kind words will stay with me and give me extra strength to keep NC. I obviously made it sound like I was intending a relationship with the man, and I assure you I am not, we are friends, but not even sure that will work for me as the chemistry is off for me even for friends. Difference between Holding a Grudge and Not Forgetting | MJ Watson Remember, forgiveness is a process. My mother, who is in poor health and very demanding and lazy, expected me to step into my grandmothers role of basically being her punching bag. Consenting to these technologies will allow us to process data such as browsing behaviour or unique IDs on this site. And I feel like I am going backwards if I were to stay. I can hear him thinking How dare she be able to say goodbye, farewell! I AM afraid of being told (again) either implicitly or explicitly that I am selfish I know my ex has set me up for that and is oh so careful to always appear the good guy especially to our kids. If you hold a grudge about everything others do whether right or wrong, you may be the toxic person in the equation. We are not designed for serial monogamy or it wouldnt hurt so much when we break up. Just meet some one else fast. The first two differences is the use of satire. "The feeling that causes you to want to back out is likely a resentment lurking beneath the surface. I am able to focus on the crap he did and realize I do not want another helping. Release the control and power that the offending person and situation have had in your life. There is a silver lining to everything. Its such desperate and insecure behavior (which I dont find sexually appealing at all) that Ive tended to step back and observe it almost scientifically. Sandy, I am proud of you, too. I am so proud that I went NC and remain focused on therapy to learn self love, self respect. "Mayo," "Mayo Clinic," "MayoClinic.org," "Mayo Clinic Healthy Living," and the triple-shield Mayo Clinic logo are trademarks of Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research. so I dropped him. I am not beating myself up as much for breaking NC as I may have, though. I know its very common, people looking to connect when the corpse of their marriage is not yet cold heck, the marriage likely isnt even a corpse, more like on life support but the thought of stepping into that muck is so unappealing I just shake my head. It made me feel weak and pathetic. And dont feel guilty about it. It took me a long time to finally break up with him and I dont think he likes that I have gone from strength to strength and that I am finally finding that woman I used to be and not the one I let him turn me into and I am really quite proud of myself for that . We got back together after the second break up and now he doesnt want a committed relationship and we broke up again-this time I with him as his behavior was so HURTFUL. Reflect on times when others have forgiven you. What is the difference between "grudge" and "vengeance " ? "grudge" vs And yes, it is very much like an addiction. In a word. She would actually get mad at me, my relationship w her was at stake. It was not a playful act, its who he was. You cant squeeze blood out of a stone. You knowbasically the opposite attitude of what Ive expressed in a lot of the comments Ive made about people whove wronged me in my past. It also doesn't necessarily mean making up with the person who caused the harm. "Take a look at the feelings that arise immediately after you think about an old friend, a past co-worker or an ex. I dont know if this helps but when you feel the urge to contact bear in mind that hes probably doing the same with other women too, and was all along. Thanks again! I know it isnt so I will not be reaching out to him. So, instead of braving the nasty weather to spend hours with people that I dont really want to get to know, I stayed in with a glass of red and watched a movie and had a lovely time! Except I was thinking that maybe I am just seeing bad things in this new guy because of the old one being so bad.. Anyway, sorry to get all Biblical on yall (came from an unlikely source, eh ladies and fellas? Block this idiot. I dont think he sounds like a good catch. , Committing to someone whos on the fence about you is betrayal of the self. You're holding a grudge! Is something wrong with you and your boyfriend? Yes, I ignored huge red flags and was probably a little EU on my end but it sill doesnt excuse what went down. He has respected my wishes however I feel like I lost a friendship entirely different convo. I needed it today. I hope youre doing great!! Ask yourself, is charm enough to sustain you? This behavior continued into adulthood. Somehow it feels less amazing than we thought it would once we are over someone and they contact us, I think (Im not there yet, but so I have heard). I think what helps is just seeing it through, dealing with the down moments because everyone has those and I think maybe we always will, but its about focusing on the good times and sticking to the things that are great for you. and promotions on our books and products! Sometimes, you may find that youre holding a grudge even if youre doing so unintentionally. Of course, they object when you point it out. I was misguided and blind. So she knows whats really going on. The trouble is we live in a small town and Im due to see him at another event next week. Are you a good person? I really love BR. Im sure even though you may not be Christian, if you practice or still value the Native American doctrines there are bound to be some similar beliefs. I agree that we probably agree more than Im realizing becausewellIm confused about what you mean. What the heck is likable about talking about women in a degrading way and being sure you know he has a host of booty calls lined up? I thought I had had the complete menopause a year ago, but two days after he left, it seemed that my body went back to normal. Narc with more baggage than an airport. Letting go of grudges and bitterness can make way for improved health and peace of mind. Im confused. DONT. Appreciate you writing this. Dear ReadyForChange, your reply to the AC was SO self-possessed that he had to escalate his make her feel rejected plan. I was taking care of my daughter, who was really myself. You need to handle this with as much clarity and dignity as you can muster, and you know whats best. You do not need the extra burden and pain on your shoulders. And you may be holding a grudge even if you don't think that you are. The last time was b.c despite him not once accompanying me to a single medical appoint, specialist, hospital rehab etc OR ever visiting me AT ALL to see for himself my condition, he had the audacity to say, he didnt believe I was as sick as I said I was. re my son esp. We also mistake the fact that we may recognise what does and doesnt work for us and that we may actually be feeling relatively at peace about something thats happened, as an automatic precursor to going for another round or even treat it as a court order from our inner critic. This happened to me or similar. Why spend that much time and energy it's because there's still a grudge.". I dont want to debate, only to understand what you mean. Its amazing how familiar that sounds, Maeve. If we expect the Lord to forgive us for debts we cant pay, yet we expect other sinners to repay theirs to usitswellkinda hypocritical. Yet, I cant go on hurting myself. It also shows that we shouldnt judge those who keep saying Why cant you just leave him? He is capable of seeking attention and some uncommitted sex. I realized after I posted my comment that, while trying to keep the off-topic meanderings to a minimum, I left out some thoughts that might clarify what I meant. I dont want to risk, the consequences and possible damage that comes w that drug. I think Ive been too polite and nice with all this. As such, you can follow your conscience and what you think is wise. i even had a realtionship between and had to break up with the guy becasue I kept missing the other one, which was when I decided to be friends with the ex I have feelings for. Sure, arent you making a meal out of this whole thing? The word grudge is typically used to refer to such a feeling when it has been held for a long period of timeoften longer than is considered normal. The differences and similarities between "The Dog that Bit People" and "The Weather of New England" are easy to find throughout the story, and will be further dove into. I got bored and stopped replying. Otherwise, it will burn. Thank you Allison it does feel good, I feel like I had lost a part of me but I am feeling contented and so much happier that I know I am finally getting there..thanks to BR and all the lovely posters who show so much support on here it just makes you so aware that you arent alone in what you are going through and it gives you the strength to deal with what the ex AC is trying to throw at you. Grudges are a form of punishment. Its still very difficult and my feelings are fluctuating a lot. Surely ther. Until you may not have a choice but to stop. It takes time and effort and SPACE (emotional space) to look at our relationship patterns so as to eventually be able and willing to have an honest conversation with ourselves.